(03:23) Gerard: What gay porn links?
(03:23) Gerard: Oh. Oh right.
(03:24) Gerard: ...No one is that flexible Jamie.

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Me, Toes, Beegs and Drew have been playing Baldur's Gate 2 for the past few weeks, with a ridiculous level of success. Since we've all been on Vent at the same time, much hilarity has ensued, including an incident today in which we pitted the characters against one another in a Battle Royale style deathmatch. It came down to Geraint, who was incapable of attacking the invisible Beegs, killing commoners to attract a City Guard hitsquad who handily took out Beegs.

Other notable incidents include the saga of Beeg's thieving skills being not quite up to scratch:









Toes' constant attempts at substance abuse, usually foiled by Geraint and his potion-quaffing abilities:



Our general anti-social behaviour towards trolls:



The lack of honour amongst thieves:





Drew's inability to let go:



Toes' racial profiling of the bad guys. Upon seeing enemies called "Maharajahs":




My ability to mislead the party as to my misdeeds:





Beeg's disproportionately proportioned character:




The constant repetition of the following phrase wherever my character and his oversized globe of spell deflection went:



Having to explain to Toes the function of various abilities:




Timmy being roughly equatable to Kenny from South Park, including one incident where we fought of a party of doppelgängers:



The dubious nature of some of the Villains:




Drew's general inability to comprehend:




An incident where an especially hard villain irreversibly killed our players one by one, before managing to crash the game itself:



And last but not least, discovering that Toes' characters had no free inventory space because he'd been collecting every single backstory book found:

See here.

Idly browsing away last night, I came across an interesting thread on Cherub. Hidden away in the stale cheese of New & Events, new member "Elena Smith" gave an interesting proposal:



Lets see: Valid Passport? Check. Birth Certificate? I'd be worried if I didn't! Mobile Phone? Check. An email address? Since the 90's! No criminal record? I once smelt some cannabis, does that count? Clever? I can learn. Understanding? Sensitive is my middle name. Quick in your mind? I've watched a lot of Top Gear and my feet have an unmatched wit.

Young? I'll shave. Age 14? I'll pretend to be Sally. Top in at least one subject? My textiles project kicked everyone else's ass, that's for sure.

Send my details to the team of trustworthy staff working behind the alias "babe_wit_brains206"?

Join Mystery. Inc?

Hell yeah! There's even only five of us. Agent 1 can be Fred, Elena Smith can be Daphne, cheekymonkey1994 (For it is she) can be Velma, illini977 can be Shaggy and I can take on the able role of Scooby himself! We can travel the world in the Mystery Machine solving murders!

Think I'm joking? Would I lie to you?




Sadly my report cannot include the full majesty of the size 20 sliding 'Rest in Peace', thus destroying the poignancy of this memorial to the dead, but I'll just have to live with myself. Jinkies.

But what of those philistines at Cherub? What do they have to say about this?



Nonsense! I can't see anything wrong at all with this plan to recruit children and their passports from the internet. To delete this would be the height of oppression. Nothing is more right wing than restricting children's rights to give their personal details to an internet stranger.

Don't worry though, official policy gives leniency for once:



Well, that's okay then!



Lost to the World gives a clear threat! He may as well have said "I WILL STAB YOU DAPHNE! AND GET AWAY WITH IT UNLESS SOME OTHER MEDDLING KIDS AND PERHAPS A DOG TURN UP!"

Don't worry though, Daphne is on top of it:



Anyone who misses a chance to join the gang is clearly an idiot. Let's go unmask the gardener!



More threats, this time from kaphwan. Will the life of Daphne Blake never be safe?



You tell 'em Daphne!


SYPHILLIS

But can this be real? Can I really be Scooby Doo? Let's ask Daphne:



Oh yeah I'm there! But a generic noob has problems, the bastard:



But Daphne is on this one too!



If she needs weapons, she'll find a way to get them. You go girl!

With plans like this, who wouldn't want to join? A quick read through the rules:



Spammers go home, there are less important sites to spam! You are specifically exempt from Rule 15: Use this site.

URL: http://spypp.proboards91.com/index.cgi <-- The Mystery Machine! It even has the colour scheme!

Last but not least, words of wisdom from Velma:



Well, she was always the clever one.


Caveat:

Got an offer from Warwick. This is a good thing. Only downside is that it's a AAAA or AAB + STEP 2 offer. Ah well.

It's all garbage. It's a sad but incredibly true statement. If it isn't some massive black guy with a chip on his shoulder about hoes and rakes, how much money they owe him, the disgraceful rate at which the gold paint is peeling off his bling and that kind of thing, it's some bland indie crap made up of five guys, a set of dining spoons and a leftover curry tin from last night playing a cover of 'Valerie' by the Zutons lyrically composed from the sounds of them finishing up last night's cut of crack through a straw.

It's become almost physically impossible to turn on the radio and hear a wide range of contemporary styles, usually of varying quality but at least worth listening to. Instead, you pick a single station which plays your very own particular brand of music, and laugh along as the DJ makes inane comments on how fat artists are and how Pete Doughty has gotten of his latest charge of stealing children's toys while propagating the continued rape of his flimsy musical heritage. And then they play "Hey there Delilah" for the fifteenth time because the other station has just finished with it. On a side note, that song is actually the Paris Hilton of radio boredom. Can't be arsed picking a real song? Slap on the slow, meaningful one by that band who sound like a depressed version of Blink 182 playing covers of MCR would, if that band didn't already exist in the form of Angels and Airwaves. It's sickeningly twee and bland and yet for some reason you can't get away from it. Seriously, what's the point of listening to music which is going to be played over DHS adverts for New York pattern sofas in less time than it took to record the whole album.

Have I complained about the price of records in HMV yet? It's boggling. £10 for a 6 track CD? I'll fuck off and download it thank you very much, and save myself the trouble of resizing album art downloaded from Amazon. I bought a present from there the other day and found I wasn't left with the train fare to get home, so I actually had to beg the driver to let me on the train for the amount of copper pennys I had left in the back of my wallet. And they wonder why no-one buys CD's any more.

It's actually become ridiculous how Orwellian Cherub has become. Here's a few quotes I came across while hacking people's accounts, from the admin known as perky, creator of "Rule 15".



Be nice! Rule 15 is in fact a Hilter-esque "enabling act."



Best way to become a gmod? Suck cock like a pro.



If a person has been banned before, I'll find some excuse to ban them again.

It's good to see that the posters aren't held in any sort of contempt at all!