Syndicate
Okay, these are a few concepts I've got going for the hopes and dreams thing I'm doing in a month, these aren't finished pieces, just elements I may incorporate. BE HONEST! I need useful feedback 
Click here for the discussion thread for this post.
They're officially cool again. You're a loser if you don't love milkshake bars.
And dean sherrings is a dick.
And dean sherrings is a dick.
I've been doing some English revision and came up with these starters for companies. I thought they were quite funny, but maybe I've been revising too long.
Do you love to wake up in the morning to the smell of boiled water all over the floor?
Do you like a cat flap that cuts your tabby's head off in the process?
Do you like to know your carpet is made from recycled hair?
Do you love it when you go for a pee for the toilet to spit it back up again?
Do you love to take a relaxing bath only for it to suddenly explode?
Do you take comfort in using a condom and hearing a loud rip half way through?
Are you reassured in knowing that one day your boiler will tear through the roof at sub-light speeds, destroying half the house in the process?
Do you love to take a leisurly drive only to find you have no breaks?
Are you well known for having garden knomes that once exploded, killing that old lady from across the street?
Do you feel secure knowing that when you were broken into last night, all the house alarm did was set the curtains on fire?
Do you love to watch your favorite show only for the TV to suddenly blow up?
Do you love using washing powder that dissolves your clothes?
Do you feel comfortable in a bed that creaks so much our parents could hear you wanking in Florida?
Have you ever wanted a translucent plastic box stuck on the end of your house?
Do you adore a washing machine that spits out flames?
Do you like it when your radiators wrench themselves off the wall and go shooting down the street at 140mph?
Do you like to have guests round that can admire your new leather recliner, only for it to somehow burst into flames?
I need a break.
Do you love to wake up in the morning to the smell of boiled water all over the floor?
Do you like a cat flap that cuts your tabby's head off in the process?
Do you like to know your carpet is made from recycled hair?
Do you love it when you go for a pee for the toilet to spit it back up again?
Do you love to take a relaxing bath only for it to suddenly explode?
Do you take comfort in using a condom and hearing a loud rip half way through?
Are you reassured in knowing that one day your boiler will tear through the roof at sub-light speeds, destroying half the house in the process?
Do you love to take a leisurly drive only to find you have no breaks?
Are you well known for having garden knomes that once exploded, killing that old lady from across the street?
Do you feel secure knowing that when you were broken into last night, all the house alarm did was set the curtains on fire?
Do you love to watch your favorite show only for the TV to suddenly blow up?
Do you love using washing powder that dissolves your clothes?
Do you feel comfortable in a bed that creaks so much our parents could hear you wanking in Florida?
Have you ever wanted a translucent plastic box stuck on the end of your house?
Do you adore a washing machine that spits out flames?
Do you like it when your radiators wrench themselves off the wall and go shooting down the street at 140mph?
Do you like to have guests round that can admire your new leather recliner, only for it to somehow burst into flames?
I need a break.
Okay, final details are as follows:
Meet underneath the big clock at Waterloo at 11AM. We'll hang around for latecomers, but if you're going to be any later than 15 minutes, phone me first, please.
We'll get the Jubilee line to London Bridge and go to see the tunnel. Then about an hour later, we'll find somewhere to eat. Then at about 2ish we're going to find a cinema, and a film to watch. If you're not hardcore enough/need to revise, you can leave at this point.
Those of us who go cinemaing will probably finish at about 6. If you're still feeling ultra hardcore after that, we'll go and make babies on the South Bank.
Or something.
Anyway, be there. =] xx
Meet underneath the big clock at Waterloo at 11AM. We'll hang around for latecomers, but if you're going to be any later than 15 minutes, phone me first, please.
We'll get the Jubilee line to London Bridge and go to see the tunnel. Then about an hour later, we'll find somewhere to eat. Then at about 2ish we're going to find a cinema, and a film to watch. If you're not hardcore enough/need to revise, you can leave at this point.
Those of us who go cinemaing will probably finish at about 6. If you're still feeling ultra hardcore after that, we'll go and make babies on the South Bank.
Or something.
Anyway, be there. =] xx
The Greatest Piece of Communist Propaganda EVER.
Submitted by Mortifus on Sun, 2008-05-25 17:23.
I respect the Soviet propaganda ministry so very much for this gem.
It's GENIUS. The west are suckers for showtunes, crush the capitalists with your fabulous dancing and GO WEST!
Now we've 'finished' with that ... shrine of sunshine, lollypops and rainbows, I am required to go in tomorrow IN UNIFORM to do a 2 hour exam, so as usual I've made notes. Unfortunately DA's being a bitch and not letting me upload them, so I'll start with this instead:
Report Questions
How can Boots attract more male customer
To: Board of directors
From: Mr. John Lewis.
Date: 26.11.07sd
Re: How can Boots attract more customers?
ARse
What you’ve been asked to do?
How will you go about answering the question?
Include men in the adverts, advertise male products and stock more of them. Use male products such as Gillette. Get the advertisements to say available at Boots. Staffing also needs to be addressed. More male stock near the door to attract the confused fools in. Designated area in the shop. Paint the carpet blue. Consult/involve males when shopping with those other things. Famous male personalities such as… bloody Beckham.
For some reason I have now been asked to completely change the subject and talk about motivation. In Boots you have a motivational doodah with that German bloke, Hertzygertzy… whatever. This encourages the slaves to keep working because they have a lovely union which provides tea and biscuits for all! Also the workers get paid, which helps motivate them a tad, but they also need to feel secure in the workplace, such as knowing that bottomless pit next to No.7 Lipstick is going to get filled in…somehow.
Analysis
All in all Boots could get more male customers by putting a shepherd’s pie near the doors. Provided it doesn’t get smashed up by them being automatic and whatnot. Additionally it could attract more males which is good because in turn it motivates the women staff (and some of the men ;]). Also are you familiar with the Greek legends of Psirens? Well my idea is quite similar. When a male comes by the shop, get women with a large upper torso. Send her charging down the precinct after him with a baseball bat. Get her to bludgeon him unconscious then drag him inside. When he wakes up he’ll be near the men’s department and that way want to buy something. Probably aspirin. Also you could paint TESTOSTERONE outside the doors of the shop in foot high letters to attract them in. You could also have some of the female staff rub themselves against the window to lure the helpless beggars in.
On the down side of things, attacking prospective male customers does have the problem of creating a bad image for Boots. The solution is to attack anyone from the BBC to stop a bad press getting out. There would also be the problem with motivation which I have to include for some reason even though this is a completely different piece of work. Motivational downsides would be that the custard creams could be too cheap and could give the workers hallucinations, making them start driving bulldozers down the escalators and forklifts in the lifts, dancing from the chandelier and taking to the automatic doors with a full barrage of machine gun fire. Alternately you could treat them nicely…. It’s your choice, nice people or gorgonzola escalators. Also Boots needs to attract more customers of the manly male persuasion by:
Person: Need to appeal to males by getting a more masculine feel to areas of the shop, or make the place gender neutral.
Promotion: Get more male staff working on the shop floor; allow them to feel more secure. It would also be a good idea to get their ideas about the shop across. Using more male staff would help this because it is easier for males to talk to other males.
Price: Blokes are penny pinching so and so’s. So bargains like saying something is half price where really there isn’t any difference from last week would get males to buy more products. The products need to be priced adequately. Males won’t pay as much for grooming products as those other types of people… women, they’re the ones.
Place: Boots needs to be located in a suitable location, e.g., not surrounded by make up shops and other pink stuff. To allow the confused male to feel more relaxed and TIties
Report Questions
How can Boots attract more male customer
To: Board of directors
From: Mr. John Lewis.
Date: 26.11.07sd
Re: How can Boots attract more customers?
ARse
What you’ve been asked to do?
How will you go about answering the question?
Include men in the adverts, advertise male products and stock more of them. Use male products such as Gillette. Get the advertisements to say available at Boots. Staffing also needs to be addressed. More male stock near the door to attract the confused fools in. Designated area in the shop. Paint the carpet blue. Consult/involve males when shopping with those other things. Famous male personalities such as… bloody Beckham.
For some reason I have now been asked to completely change the subject and talk about motivation. In Boots you have a motivational doodah with that German bloke, Hertzygertzy… whatever. This encourages the slaves to keep working because they have a lovely union which provides tea and biscuits for all! Also the workers get paid, which helps motivate them a tad, but they also need to feel secure in the workplace, such as knowing that bottomless pit next to No.7 Lipstick is going to get filled in…somehow.
Analysis
All in all Boots could get more male customers by putting a shepherd’s pie near the doors. Provided it doesn’t get smashed up by them being automatic and whatnot. Additionally it could attract more males which is good because in turn it motivates the women staff (and some of the men ;]). Also are you familiar with the Greek legends of Psirens? Well my idea is quite similar. When a male comes by the shop, get women with a large upper torso. Send her charging down the precinct after him with a baseball bat. Get her to bludgeon him unconscious then drag him inside. When he wakes up he’ll be near the men’s department and that way want to buy something. Probably aspirin. Also you could paint TESTOSTERONE outside the doors of the shop in foot high letters to attract them in. You could also have some of the female staff rub themselves against the window to lure the helpless beggars in.
On the down side of things, attacking prospective male customers does have the problem of creating a bad image for Boots. The solution is to attack anyone from the BBC to stop a bad press getting out. There would also be the problem with motivation which I have to include for some reason even though this is a completely different piece of work. Motivational downsides would be that the custard creams could be too cheap and could give the workers hallucinations, making them start driving bulldozers down the escalators and forklifts in the lifts, dancing from the chandelier and taking to the automatic doors with a full barrage of machine gun fire. Alternately you could treat them nicely…. It’s your choice, nice people or gorgonzola escalators. Also Boots needs to attract more customers of the manly male persuasion by:
Person: Need to appeal to males by getting a more masculine feel to areas of the shop, or make the place gender neutral.
Promotion: Get more male staff working on the shop floor; allow them to feel more secure. It would also be a good idea to get their ideas about the shop across. Using more male staff would help this because it is easier for males to talk to other males.
Price: Blokes are penny pinching so and so’s. So bargains like saying something is half price where really there isn’t any difference from last week would get males to buy more products. The products need to be priced adequately. Males won’t pay as much for grooming products as those other types of people… women, they’re the ones.
Place: Boots needs to be located in a suitable location, e.g., not surrounded by make up shops and other pink stuff. To allow the confused male to feel more relaxed and TIties
So much I've made lotsa notes . I'll still probably fail though, knowing facts is only 1/8 of the exam.
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Aerobic-...ration-86226563
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Digestive-Enzymes-86226876
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Using-enzymes-1-86227054
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Using-enzymes-2-86227402
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Disadvan...nzymes-86227760
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Fucking-...stasis-86227949
I've made a vid on diffusion, I'll upload it later.
. I'll still probably fail though, knowing facts is only 1/8 of the exam. http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Aerobic-...ration-86226563
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Digestive-Enzymes-86226876
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Using-enzymes-1-86227054
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Using-enzymes-2-86227402
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Disadvan...nzymes-86227760
http://jglewis.deviantart.com/art/Fucking-...stasis-86227949
I've made a vid on diffusion, I'll upload it later.
QUOTE (The Commander)
Goodness! The good farmer's daughter has been taken by some hideous troll into his mountain lair, whence she will be forced to wed him! I must stop this injustice most grave at once! Dear farmer, have no worries; I will save your daughter post-haste, as any good man must feel compelled to!
QUOTE (Drew)
Your daughter has been kidnapped? Hmm. Rich, are you? Some money in the bank? If there's a reward, I'll do it. A large award. With half now, half when she's returned? I think we have a deal. Now excuse me, I need to head into your house and empty all your valuables into this sack. And all your neighbours valuables. And anything which isn't bolted down.
QUOTE (Utahraptor)
The farmer's daughter is in trouble? The farmer's daughter was in trouble. Now she's dead. And so's the farmer. And his wife. And their oxen. And the rest of the population of the town and their respective oxen too. Now, i think I'll go kill something.
QUOTE (Wangmaster Jolena)
Hmm. A farmer's daughter is in trouble eh? I'll agree to help (after extorting as much money as possible). I wonder if I'll get the opportunity to betray him? That'd be pretty cool. Otherwise, I'll do the job, take the reward and on my return slaughter the whole farmstead. I am so damn cool.
--------------------------------
QUOTE (The Commander)
This gemstone must have been stolen, or less it must possess the soul of some tormented being. I shall return it to the temple immediately - the wise priests will know what is best for it.
QUOTE (Drew)
Another gemstone? I hope it's worth something.
QUOTE (Utahraptor)
There was a gemstone? Must have been on one of the corpses.
QUOTE (Wangmaster Jolena)
A gemstone eh! Maybe it has an original owner - who I can betray! And then I can betray the people I betrayed them to, and kill them all!
--------------------------------
QUOTE (The Commander)
Fear not, kind sir! I shall release you from this gaol of iron, and you shall be again free from injustice! The Gnolls are truly barbaric to have imprisoned you like this. I can only hope I can stop them before they can cause another to suffer!
QUOTE (Drew)
Are there any gold pieces under than pile of bones in the corner? Like, one or two? And maybe a small gemstone?
QUOTE (Utahraptor)
Prisoners are so easy to kill.
QUOTE (Wangmaster Jolena)
I'll free you... as long as you swear eternal servitude to me. If you try to make a run for it, I'll chase you down and I will make you suffer. That or you'll be stupid enough to step on a spike trap and leave me standing over you as everyone else arrives. That would be so like you, denying me the pleasure of killing you myself.
GUYS! THIS MONDAY! A LECTURE! AWESOME!
Submitted by toenails on Thu, 2008-05-15 15:36.
http://talks.cam.ac.uk/talk/index/11906
Guys guys, it's open to everyone and it's about RISK! (not the board game) Let's go let's go!
Guys guys, it's open to everyone and it's about RISK! (not the board game) Let's go let's go!
Easiest way than me having multiple lists.
http://www.rsvpit.com/main.php
DILAN08 if you are attending the meet.
JAS08 if you wish to sleepover.
If you are doing both, then you put your name in both.
REALNAME [USERNAME] format please. =]
IF YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M ON ABOUT, CLICK THE BELOW LINK:
http://www.atomicfridge.net/index.php?s=&a...ndpost&p=...
I'd recommend that you own both an oyster card and young persons rail card to make things cheap.
If you find your name is already there, hurrah. Someone was nice.
http://www.rsvpit.com/main.php
DILAN08 if you are attending the meet.
JAS08 if you wish to sleepover.
If you are doing both, then you put your name in both.
REALNAME [USERNAME] format please. =]
IF YOU HAVE NO CLUE WHAT I'M ON ABOUT, CLICK THE BELOW LINK:
http://www.atomicfridge.net/index.php?s=&a...ndpost&p=...
I'd recommend that you own both an oyster card and young persons rail card to make things cheap.
If you find your name is already there, hurrah. Someone was nice.
Time is now: 11/3/10, 06:11