The London Illuminati

Submitted by Rudi on Sun, 2006-09-24 11:01.

Let me give you a little bit of.....background information. Ariz is a pretty suspicious guy. He tends to keep himself to himself a bit, and from time to time he disappears from school, to places we can only guess (care-home conferences in Manchester!). You see, our friend Ariz here is the MD of a family-run care-home company. But from certain rumours and leakages, there may be far more too it than this. Yesterday at the Talledega Mass Exodus, Asad got onto the subject of his current 'feud' between him and Ariz, which is seemingly extremely dodgy. From talking about the, um, photograph of a horse's head slipped into Ariz's locker, the conversation turned to altogether more suspicious things - [big] bank details, tax evasion and hotel deals leaked through involved parents. Naturally, I took everything with more than a pinch of salt (except the horse's head thing, which I thought was hilarious!

) But then when I mentioned it in passing to Ariz on msn late last night, things began to take an altogether more sinister turn.....

Spanning over 75 minutes, the 'stunning' story of this series of conversations is released here, in full, unabridged. Look out for a guest appearance by Danyal as THE METROPOLITAN POLICE!

Part 1 - The Suspicion Begins

QUOTE

Ru hi ariz
Ariz hi
Ru I heard about the horse's head

Ariz #
Ariz from who?
Ariz Asad
Ru yeah
Ru

Ariz when
Ru this afternoon
Ru we went to the cinema in a group
Ru alex france was there too
Ru I think it's hilarious

Ru congratulations!

Ariz who went with you guys
Ariz did asad say anything else about me
Ru charlie, blythe, alex france, me, matt tyler
Ru well
Ru he mentioned all-expenses paid flights to new york
Ru I WANT IN!

Ariz anything else
Ru something about that ownership of uganda.....
Ru I mean
Ru nothing.

Ariz Asad
Ru what about him?
Ru oh, he said you showed him your bank account details (wtf!?)
Ariz reallt
Ru yeah
Ru like, balance
Ru not PIN number

Ariz anything else...
Ru nope
Ru why, is there something I should know?

Ariz i could kill asad

So far, not too suspicious, although Ariz is noticeably worried. Intrat Asad......

Part 2 - Hotels and Millions....

QUOTE

Ariz seriously asad
Asad im being serious
Asad for the love of god
Ariz truth
Asad hotels, horses heads care homes online bank accounts bull bearings ur party
Ariz online bank accounts
Ariz explain...
Asad francey sed he saw one
Asad once
Ariz saying what
Asad i cant remember, he wasnt specific
Ariz roughly
Asad he just sed a lot
Ariz roughly?
Asad he didnt give a figure
Asad although he sed bought the connaught for 784 mil or sumthing
Ariz how does he know?
Asad i dont know
Ariz through his dad
Asad it wasnt me
Asad stop friggin wuestionin me
Asad ive not dun anything
Ariz so whos is lying
Asad about what?
Ariz who spoke about my bank accounts
Asad francey
Asad the online one he once saw
Ariz RUPERT..can you confirm that so I can stop questioning Asad
Ru confirm what?
Asad i said i know your rich
Asad and you own care home
Ariz that francey was talking about my bank accounts
Asad and hotels
Ariz not Asad
Ariz ?
Ariz Asad
Ariz if you lied to me
Asad [I am a retard] what?
Asad about [I am a retard] what
Ariz telling them about personal matters
Asad about saying [I am a retard] you were rich and ive seen a bank statement
Ariz bank statement
Asad i didnt give a figure
Ariz part
Ariz how much did the statement which you saw say
Asad why do you caare
Asad the one i saw
Asad ?
Ariz because that was kinda personal
Asad it said
Asad 5 mil
Asad i tihnk
Ariz ok
Asad or like 586 or sumthing
Asad i cant even remember
Ariz trust is 5 and account is 597
Asad oh yeah sumthing like tht
Asad i cant remember exact anyway
Ariz what did francey say about me...
Ariz asad
Asad he sed he once saw an online statement of yours
Asad and tht [I am a retard] you were rich
Ariz asad
Asad what?
Ariz if you betrayed my trust...or if Francey did
Asad ive not done anything wrion here ariz
Ariz promise
Asad what do [I am a retard] you mean
Asad ?
Asad i dont know what [I am a retard] you mean
Ariz promise me you are not lying
Asad because, uve not asked me not to tell anyone
Asad not lying about [I am a retard] what
Asad ?
Ariz that you said nothing more
Ariz anyway
Ariz Are you joining me for dinner asd
Asad look im pretty sure id didnt
Ariz we can talk then
Asad if id di, i apologise heavily
Asad and did not mean to betray you in anyway
Ariz does francey have msn
Ariz messenger
Asad i hope you forgive me

Ooeerrr. The Connaught? 784 mil? What's this got to do with a carehome company? And suddenly, an altogether confusing invitation is thrown out. Keep in mind this is at quarter to 12 at night.

Part 3 - DinnerFTW

QUOTE

Ariz dinner>?
Asad if i said anything you didnt want me two
Asad dinner for what?
Asad when
Ariz now
Asad who
Ariz like we said before
Asad im waking up for sehri, at 4 am
Asad in 4 hours
Asad i cant go to dinner
Ariz exactly
Ariz you can stay awake till then
Ariz like i am
Asad lol
Ariz and then sleep
Asad can [I am a retard] you ditch Ru now
Ariz RUPERT-Do you want to come to dinner
Ru when?
Ariz now
Ariz with Asad and I
Asad im not coing
Ru I'm not even allowed to be on the PC, let alone at dinner
Ru

Ru why?
Ariz I'll pick you up...
Ariz i'm bored
Ru hold on
Ru you'll pick me up?
Asad lol
Ru how!?
Ariz well...if asad comes'
Asad i cant
Asad im fasting
Asad soon
Ariz come one
Ariz on
Ariz please asad
Ru you're avoiding my question
Asad look, my parents will kill me if ive left without telling them in the middle of th night
Ru how the hell will you pick me up without a car?
Asad even they have their limits
Asad he has a car
Ariz i have parents
Asad he has thousands
Ariz and a driver
Ru chairmanmaomao2
Ariz asad can pick you up
Asad ???
Asad i cant
Asad i cant pick you up
Ru look
Ru I won't be able to get out
Asad has left the conversation.
Ru if my parents don't wake up from me going down the stairs, they'll notice me going out and putting the alarm off
Ru ok
Ru ariz
Ru what the HELL is going on here?
Ru I don't want to be involved in some ganster dealings here

Ru btw
Ariz no gangsters
Ru TERRORIST PLOT BOMB INFIDEL LONDON DEATH WEST
Ru hello intelligence agencies!
Ru if you're doing anything dodgy, this convo will be put down for investigation.

Ariz rupert...it was just a meal
Ru

Ru sounded very suspect to me

Ariz come one
Ariz on
Ariz i was being nice
Ru it's 12!

Ru I'd sooner be let out of the house than oli cut his hair
Ru thanks for the offer though

Ariz you sure
Ariz asads coming
Ru I won't be allowed out, seriously
Ariz ok
Ru sorry, I would if I could
Ru

Ru sorry ariz
Ru couldn't resist it

Ru hehe
Ru sorry ariz
Ru you there?
Ariz yep
Ariz asad is coming now
Ru ok
Ru have fun

Ariz ok

At this point I'm thinking DINNERFTW, but there you go. I attempt to lighten all this up a bit. Intrat Danyal.....

Part 4 - You're Under Arrest

QUOTE

POLICE has been added to the conversation.
Ru erk!
Ru I told you the intelligence agencies would be alone, ariz!
POLICE Mr Asaria you are under arrest.
Ru scarper!
Ariz for what
POLICE Anything you say now may be used as evidence against you in court.
Asad lol
POLICE You have the right to remain silent.
Asad fuck off
Asad has left the conversation.
POLICE The police has surrounded your house.
Ariz ok
POLICE You have the right to speak to an attorney, and to have an attorney present during any questioning.
POLICE If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
Ariz you have an arrest warrent
Ariz i can afford a lawyer
POLICE Yes that will be shown at the police station.
Ariz well which house are you surrounding
POLICE Your house.
POLICE The one you are in at present.
POLICE Do not try to run away, Mr Asaria.
Ariz who said i was in a house
Ru No further questions shall be asked until an attorney is present.
POLICE We will catch you.
Ru We have intelligence.
POLICE lol ariz im joking
POLICE this is me
Ariz i know that
POLICE danyal
Ru Our intelligence states you are in the house in which you are currently dwelling.
POLICE lol
Ru

Ariz asad said fuck off
POLICE i know
Ru and so I shall
Ru

:lol: My favourite part was:

QUOTE

POLICE If you cannot afford a lawyer, one will be provided for you at government expense.
Ariz i can afford a lawyer

AWWW! But after Danyal has left, the conversation comes to a far more sinister end....

Part 6 - New York, New York

Let me first explain the final, earth-wrenching 'revelation' of the Mass Exodus. Asad has, apparently, been invited to Ariz's.....'birthday party'. (and yet keep in mind that they have been these series of convos and apparently the whole way through it been hating each other). This is a party with a difference though - it's all-expenses paid. This is, according to Ariz, nothing, according to Asad, flights and stay in New York (!!), and according to this convo, maybe slightly more.....

QUOTE

Asad i cant see him
Asad i think hes gone
Ru who?
Asad i hope
Ariz that means he has gone
Ru danyal?
Asad i hope
Asad whys ru here
Asad ?
Ru danyal's offline
Ru no idea, ariz must have invited me
Ariz so he doesn;t feel left out
Ru so obviously for a reason
Asad kk
Ru aww, thanks

Asad anyway has he left
Ariz i do have a heart ASAD
Ru

Ru who's left?
Asad i know
Asad r [I am a retard] you coming
Asad ?
Asad ariz
Ariz no
Asad awww
Ariz hes gone
Ariz you had your chance
Ariz he wiated
Ariz waited
Asad i cudve waved at you
Asad i dont want a driver
Asad i wans you
Ariz rupurt
Ru yeah?
Ariz do you want a driver
Ariz ask asad about what he is like
Ru no

Asad i didnt see him
Ariz i though you saw his brake lights
Asad yeah
Asad a reflection of them
Asad on another car
Ru if he didn't pick anyone up he'll be a bit pissed off

Asad im not at the right angle to see the hedge parking space
Ariz tell asad that
Ariz he should have rung the buzzer
Asad NO
Asad fucking hell
Asad i wudnt have come
Asad trust me
Ru that'd wake asad's parents up

Ru asad has that ex-kgb ex-driver!
Asad why not do dinner tomrrow
Ru driver deathmatch!

Ariz busy
Asad so i can tell my parents
Ru I can't come tomorrow, I'm at.......henry's mum's birthday party

Ariz ok
Asad friday the?
Ru 13th!
Asad nest one
Ariz tomorrow 11pm
Ariz ok?
Asad not so late
Asad at a normal time
Ariz i cant do it early
Asad 7/8
Asad mayber
Ariz rupert
Asad ok next friday
Ariz you wanna come
Ariz can't do that
Ru hmm
Asad wen can [I am a retard] you do it at anormal time?
Asad next
Asad ?
Ru basically, I wouldn't be able to do it late at all
Ru it'd have to be early
Ariz time?
Asad 7/8
Ru maybe
Ru dinner wouldn't really be that great
Ru and I doubt my parents would allow me
Asad i cant do lunch
Ariz 9/10 asad...
Asad im fasting
Asad 9/10 is pushing it
Asad 8.30?
Asad 8/8.30
Ariz just come to NY
Asad i cant
Asad I CANT
Asad i cant spend 10 mil
Ru looks like it'll just have to be you and asad, things are too difficult
Ariz we've been through this
Ariz you have to come
Asad get rid fo rupert
Asad has left the conversation.

And I was duly got rid of. DUM DUM DUM!

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